-I got my check for the medical study today. I feel rich, but in a Silas Marner -squirrel- that -money- away kind of way. I bought Wolf In White Van to celebrate, but the cash feels too hard-earned to spend on frivolous things. It’s a month later, and I can tell you, if someone offers you close to a $1000 to “elevate your dopamine levels to abnormally high levels,” do not do it. You will go down into a terrible, spiraling, chemically-induced depression. It’s not worth it. I don’t know, if you’re really badly off, maybe sell your soul to the devil instead?
-Can we talk about narrative driven hip-hop albums? I’ve been wandering around listening to Vince Staple’s Fire in my loafers and muttering along to “I’m finna go to hell anyway.” Kendrick Lamarr’s (did you know his last name is Duckworth?) Good Kid. M.A.A.D. City was my soundtrack for the summer. I never expected an album that has a track with the chorus
All my life I want money and power
Respect my mind or die from lead shower
I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower
So I can fuck the world for 72 hours
to make me cry, but here we are… While we’re talking about hip-hop, Chief Keef’s Wikipedia page is the most insane thing you’ll read (if you read it) today.
-Trying to think harder about what I’m doing with portraiture. Going through an “I hate everything I do phase,” which according to a friend, means I’m headed towards a breakthrough (though in this case, it will probably be my fist breaking through my paintings). I think this is normal though— was talking to a lady whose boyfriend flung all of his own paintings out their window (his work is very good). I want it to go further— I want to create a rebuttal to the argument that portraiture is useless because we have cameras. I feel like I’m clawing at something that isn’t there, and yet my fingernails show signs of wear.
-Goats keep showing up in my life in a bizarre fashion this month. At work, apparently it’s Goatober, which means I keep seeing flayed goat carcasses in the walk-in freezer. I was also sent a beautifully-composed photograph of an obese goat in an email, had a goat show up in a tea leaves reading, and just the other day, a pamphlet for sending a goat to an impoverished family appeared at my apartment. What is going on this month?!!!
-Someone told me that this year is my “Golden Birthday” because I will be turning 25 on the 25th. Had the realization today that by their 25th birthdays, my parents both had Master’s Degrees/had been married for two years. At this point in my life, I don’t know if I’d ever want to get married/ today I tripped over my own feet while reaching for a candy bar at Duane Reade today. Hmm.